inordinately more twisted.
Examples?
Did any of you ever have sex to improve
your social or professional status?
Precisely.
Women however can do it with someone who doesn't attract them physically at all
but has an appropriate status,
who is rich, popular
or has power.
Are you saying they do it with us only for profit?
Yeah,
but in a devious way. It's a whole game with complicated rules.
What's complicated about it?
When I'm into some chick, I just approach her, look her straight in the
eyes, you know, the very masculine way,
I look and she knows, she feels, she is having butterflies down there,
you know where?
And I tell her
in a low voice:
come sweetie... I'll strip your moneybag so hard you won't have any coins left.
And?
She gives you a smack?
Are you kidding? I get what I want.
And they beg for more.
That's right, gentlemen! That's the method!
I've always used it too and it has always worked!
Well done boy, keep up the good work!
What do you mean you've always used it?
You told my mother you would strip her moneybag?
No, I didn't say that to your mother.
Maybe to mine?
Neither to yours!
Boys, you've grown up enough to figure it out that
your father has always been quite popular with ladies.
Popular? I can't take this cynicism any more.
Do you have any idea how much mother suffered because of you?
All those nights you didn't come home. I was dying of fear something might
have happened to you. I couldn't sleep hearing how she cried in the pillow.
Let it go son, that's ancient history.
God, I was so happy when she finally kicked your butt out.
So many years of sacrificing herself for you,
having practically no life, and finally...
Janis!
Janusz.
My name is Janusz.
Janusz, please, stop.
And that's why I will never...
...be like you.
Even if my wife is a maniac.
She can be nice sometimes.
Really.
You stepped in...
Just mud.
Tastes even better when cold.
Sorry if I've misunderstood, but do you gentlemen have different mothers?
Yes... As you've heard our Daddy was always very popular.
Now you are getting on my back?
Daddy used to travel a lot. Everywhere he went, he left a mark.
When my mother figured out she was pregnant,
she paid him a visit.
As it turned out she wasn't the one and only dream he had.
She told him she'd never wanted to see him again
and she returned home.
My mother, who got pregnant exactly the same time,
forced him to marry her.
A child needed his father.
We were born the same day.
So it's really screwed up, gentlemen.
We are a rare type of twins with different mothers.
I had an honor to met my father when I was eighteen years old.
He simply appeared one day. Out of nowhere.
I understood the importance of a family.
So when I hear my father giving me advice,
on how to connect with women, it sounds really pathetic now.
You, dear Daddy,
you have no idea how to talk to them.
Look at him! And you do?
Sure I do.
Very interesting.
Let's make a little experiment here.
I'll be a woman, you'll be a m... you'll be yourself.
Will see how you manage.
Picture this, son:
we wake up.
We fucked all night like rabbits. You screwed me so hard, I screamed like
I was on fire, even neighbors were banging on the walls.
Now is the morning after, we're getting dressed.
Anything wrong?
No, it's just difficult for me to imagine... like rabbits,
neighbors, and the fire...
OK, OK, right, you didn't exactly inherit my temperament.
- And I'm pleased! - Anyway!
I'm sitting on the bed,
you're almost done with your tie.
Will be going apart for work in a moment.
What do you say?
Darling, are we still going to the movie today?
- No.
- Why not? - No!
So let's do a theater, or a nice dinner somewhere?
I don't want to see you again. This was the last time.
That's nonsense!
I want to breathe again.
I need space, you suffocate me. I long for air.
Why are you saying this?
Have I hurt you?
Hurry up or I'll be late for work.
- Will you give me a lift? - It's PMS, right?
Sure, sure,
that's all you can understand. Typical male.
- OK, I'm going alone, bye. - Wait!
Wait,
I love you.
I really love you.
Don't be so dramatic.
- Be a man for once... - Be a man for once.
Don't do this to me...
After all we've been through...
I'm so impressed honey, you know?
Excellent show.
I'm not pretending! I really love you!
I don't want to lose you.
Shit, I'm dirty like a pig. What is it?
So will you give me a lift?
- Or I have to suffer on the bus? - Or I have to suffer on the bus?
Of course. I should have expected this from you.
You can't even split with dignity.
Only a few hours ago she said I was her whole world.
What a bitches they are.
Let's try it, let's try it at least once.
Let's say something each of us already knows.
Maybe everything will fall down, on this beautiful garden of lies.
Let's say it, let's say it to each other.
I know it isn't easy to tell a simple truth.
Maybe not today, what a beautiful garden of lies.
This, you know,
this moneybag of yours...
...you bring it up with them right away? On the street?
No way on the street. First one has to relax a bit.
I take her to see the movie, then some coffee... There!
- And who pays for the cinema? - And for the café?
I get a good screw in return!
So does she.
Free of charge.
You are impossible to talk to!
Don't be so dramatic.
Be a man for once.
Oh my God, oh my God,
I loved her so much, I wanted to marry her,
but she exited my life like it was some stinking loo.
- Sugar! Give him sugar at once! - Not sugar, not sugar,
vodka, vodka!
No! Not vodka! Vodka is no good for you!
That's what the doctors say.
Some of them.
A few that is...
mine...
I played in one more band...
Jesus. Jesus. Jesus.
Halleluuuuuiah!
Father. Father. Father.
Halleluuuuiah!
Yeah, I had this episode...
community, prayer, Bible under my pillow, stuff like that.
Back then I met a girl from Pila, from the Catholic Youth Movement.
Gentlemen, I got so mad about her.
You can't imagine how deeply one can fall in love after making the decision
of no fucking. One becomes a walking zombie!
Each muscle in your body goes into jackass raptures!
Jesus. Jesus. Jesus. Halleluuuuuiah!
Nothing? Really?
- Not even a little petting? - Nothing!
It lasted a year and we spent almost every night together!
Wait a second, you said she lived in Pila.
Fuck! Gentlemen, when I think about it now, I don't believe it myself!
We play a concert in Sanok, the concert ends, boys run to the hotel,
but I'm jumping into the car!
I'm fucking driving through the whole country to lie next to her at 5 a.m.,
back in the car again the same morning driving to Jaslo where we play.
I had to buy three cars that year 'cause they all fell apart.
It's a miracle I didn't get kill on the road, gentleman!
And you didn't get a bit of snatch even once?
Nothing! Just some kind of an innocent kiss-kiss.
Gees... Well, that's really screwed up.
Mr. Tytus, that was a real torture.
Gentlemen,
I am lying next to her,
I feel that warmth, that smell, my dick is whirring like a Russian fan,
and I do nothing! For "not until the wedding night" had to
- mean "not until the wedding night!" - Impressive.
And all the things I bought her! She would call me and say:
Honey, I think I need a little pair of shoes.
Or...
I just saw this funny sweet dress in Cottonfield.
And bang! Off to get the dress! Not to mention the stuff for her apartment,
the furniture, the rugs, the vases
and who the fuck knows what else!
I prayed: Dear Lord! I don't want to live in this filthy Pila...
Dear Lord. I don't want to live in this filthy Pila,
but if this is what you have chosen for me, I will obey.
So why don't you live there actually?
Why? Why?
We were playing a concert in Olsztyn. The concert ends,
I jump into the car, back on the road, I call her on the way and she tells me:
That's lovely, darling, I love you, do you know?
So I step on it to go faster, to be with her even sooner,
I enter the house,
face smiling like a happy idiot, but I stumble over some suitcases.
"Whose are these?" I ask surprised but still smiling, and she...
- Yours. - Mine? What for?
You're moving out.
I thought I heard something wrong, so I say:
"My little sunshine, stop kidding, you said you loved me just a moment ago"
I lied.
That's all?
Yes.
Just: "I lied".
I left Pila half dead.
I drove, pulled over, threw up,
drove again, pulled over, threw up.
Nightmare.
In the morning, in Warsaw, a journalist from "Beauty" calls me and asks for
an interview about the life of a converted rock man.
- You refused? - No, I told her to come.
She enters smelling with perfume, short dress,
her tits squeezed into this bra,
you know,
one can see right away she's weak at her knees. They have these parted lips,
like they wanted to say something, but they only lick them with their tongue.
She enters,
and she puts the recorder on,
I tell her:
"You want an interview?
Kneel down!"
Excuse me?
I unzip my pants.
"Take it!" I say. She says: "What is this?"
"You have eyes. Just take it!" And I stood right before her.
You must have been in real shock, she could have run you down in the press.
Nah, she took it. And she came back several times.
The things we did, gentlemen,
yoga is a child's play compared to that.
Thank you very much, Mr. Tytus.
That is how my Christian rock story ends, gentlemen.
I love this nail polish color, Miss Beatka.
On your toes.
Well, boys, didn't I give you a cool psychodrama?
Forget it Daddy,
after Mr. Fistach story we've just heard, yours comes up completely amateur.
- What? - Yes, indeed,
biology is familiar with such cases. It has been observed more than once that
female chimpanzees sexually provoke males only to steal meat from them.
Wait, Mr. Bug, monkeys are monkeys and humans are humans.
Do you know that genetically speaking there is a closer kinship between us and
chimpanzees than between the chimpanzees and gorillas?
Might be in your case, certainly not in mine!
No, you are the best example here!
Haven't you been whacked in the face lately?
I found out later that she was the easiest chick to bang in Pila.
On my rugs.
Mr. Tytus?
Why can't you understand that the goal of all living creatures
is to reproduce? Re-pro-duce!
Yeah, yeah, you don't have to repeat yourself.
You are also a subject to this law of nature.
But I didn't want them at all!
Thanks.
Thanks, Daddy.
Sorry guys,
I just wanted to have some fun.
You said she was from "Beauty"?
my wife used to work there,
she must know her, right?
Sure, it's a small office.
And I spent all my life thinking it is me who decides whom to take to bed.
With whom - yes. But why you do it, is determined by something very different.
- By that cunt... - By testosterone...
Testo... what?
Testosterone, Daddy. A male hormone.
It forces us to run after women from adolescence till death.
It makes us potential murderers and rapists at all times.
You too?
I try to abstain, but it's like all of us...
I hope.
"Lovely lad,
my lad so young,
quietly hums the maid.
Why by the ghostly water's bank
you walk so late in the moon's light?"
Testosterone, gentlemen, determines aggressiveness to such extent, that
among birds with inverted sexual roles, females have more of it in their blood.
I don't understand. Inverted roles? Males give birth?
No! Australian cassowaries for instance, that I once had a chance to study,
Cassowaries are a great example here...
Female cassowaries are the aggressive sex. They're at least one meter tall,
their claws are seven centimeters long, they can even rip a dingo to pieces,
and they fight all the time, Daddy. They kick each other like crazy.
What for?
The winning female copulates with every male she can find.
Then she leaves all of them with her eggs to hatch.
- All screwed up. - All screwed up.
Gentlemen, let's thank the good Lord for not making us cassowaries!
And that our females don't have that testosterone thing.
Well, you can't really tell, you know.
What "I know", "you can't really tell"?
According to research, women with a higher testosterone level have sexual
intercourse more often. They are less prone to depression,
they have more pleasure during sex.
- Where can you find such a wonder? - Yes!
Go to your kennel!
To the kennel!
Our aggression is caused by the mere existence of women!
- True, the primate males... - Pardon me, please. So even us, Daddy,
we are aggressive by nature, because that's what the females like,
and it lets us beat up other males in fights over females.
The conclusion is simple:
if there were no women, men wouldn't kill each other.
You've exaggerated a bit. Guys will always find a reason for a brawl.
No.
Yes!
No!
Yes!
NO!
Dad!
Imagine there were no women on Earth.
What reason would you have
to kill me?
See my point?
I could take your mobile!
- I don't have a mobile phone any more. - I could call some fancy chicks.
There are no chicks! We agreed.
So I would call Mr. Fistach!
- And what would you talk about? - What do you mean?
About chicks!
- About football, for instance. - Yeah! We'd talk about football.
- There would be no football. - How come?
Who do the footballers play for?
For the fans!
You believe this?
- For fame. - For money.
What do they need fame and money for?
To buy cool and fast cars!
And what do they need those cool, fast cars for?!
To...
To pick up chicks! The vicious circle is completed.
That's totally screwed up!
Vicious bitches, aren't they? They forced us to invent football,
but when you want to watch the Champions League,
they switch to "Dynasty".
Wonderful world, eh?
Yeah!
- Mr. Fistach? - Just Fistach.
Fistach, what was the name of that journalist?
My wife must know her, it will crack her up when I tell her.
Luiza Ostrowska.
You know,
they bawl us all
the time for bad behavior,
even though we have no influence
since we are controlled by some fucking hormone.
Even though when they get some more of that...
eeeeeh, testosterone,
they act just like us.
Two-faced bitches, aren't they?
Are you sleeping?
No,
I'm thinking.
Do you remember doctor Slaska?
Do I remember?
Man, the best body of faculty
in the history of this department.
- We were together, you know. - You?
Excuse me.
Don't worry,
It's hard for me to believe it either.
I don't know why she chose me. She could have had anyone.
Gees, Bug, wow!
Why didn't you tell me sooner?
I adored her.
We could talk about cephalopods
in bed for hours!
Until one day she says for breakfast:
Listen,
we can't be together anymore.
I thought it was a movie, so I answered:
OK, if that's what you want...
You did the right thing. "No" means "no", don't need no favors!
Only in the evening,
I felt something terrible rising up inside of me and I had to leave.
You beat the bitch?
- I bought a bottle and went downtown. - A firm decision, congratulations.
Yeah, but I also bought
a whole lot of tranquilizers.
Bull!
I swallowed all of them,
I drank as much as I could,
though I never could drink too much
because of the usual obligatory puke
so I thrown out the battle and I called her.
I will live with you, or I won't live at all!
She told me to stay at the phone booth, and she would be there in a second.
Did she show up?
I don't know,
I left.
- What happened next? - What could happen?
I got diarrhea next,
I shitted under a bush
until someone called the police, so I had to run.
I woke up in the morning under some gate,
my jacket was smeared with lime,
probably from bumping into some plaster,
"Fuck, I could have died looking like shit!" I thought to myself.
Forget it, Mr. Bug,
one chick
doesn't make a summer.
It's easy for you to say that. You have such an easy way with women.
Yeah, I do, I do,
only now I will pay for this ease.
You're just sitting here?
We're sitting, Daddy.
And where's our Tyson?
He run home to kill his wife.
And Mr. Janis followed to stop the crime.
Seen that son?
Such a blockhead, and what a speed-up.
Like that gorilla!
Yes. Like a gorilla, Daddy. Go to sleep.
I spotted a nice chick a while ago here. She used to come
to the restaurant with some friends and I wanted to immediately jab her on my
pike, but the time wasn't right since she was just splitting with her guy.
Really? And I thought there is no better time for adultery
like a relationship crisis.
No way! It's the worst.
The worst! That's when they only want to cuddle not fuck.
But they finally made up, so we started seeing each other right after.
And now I have a problem
Bad conscience?
Something else is bad.
She called this morning that her period was late.
That doesn't mean anything. Just biology of the cycle.
But it's fifty-five days late.
You have a problem.
Maybe it's the other guy's child?
There is no other guy anymore.
He threw her ass out the door the moment he found out about us.
Well, gentlemen,
to a new God's creature!
Mr. Tytus,
could you teach me some of your phrases?
What phrases?
You know, the ones that make every pussy yours. I'm not too good at those.
OK, OK, come closer.
- So you're just sitting here? - I am sitting, Daddy.
And our poor Fistachio?
He's washing the blood off his jacket.
Go to sleep, Daddy,
go to sleep.
I'll be a chick and you...
you'll try to convince me to jump into bed with you.
Hello, Miskiewicz here, Master degree.
But she knows you! She's just waiting for the sign!
She's only waiting for the sign that...
So how are you getting to it?
You know...
Well.
You know...
- You know... - Of course she knows!
- How come she knows? - She is sitting in your apartment!
Have you read our famous thinker, Maria Janion on rite of passage?
Mr. Bug! She'll drop dead of boredom in a second!
I don't know then...
Come with me and learn.
Come, come.
Plonk!
I know how you feel.
I feel the same.
Only moments count in life.
And this moment belongs to us.
You won't regret it.
Trust me.
Come and I'll shag your beaver so hard, you'll see your previous incarnation.
That's how you do it.
- Do I have to repeat all of it? - Yes.
About the beaver too?
Of course! They always say that they're annoyed by yobs,
but each one of them quietly dreams of meeting an animal
who'll fuck her brains out.
Go ahead.
Plonk.
Sorry, forgive me
I know how you feel...
I feel the same...
I feel...
the same...
Move on!
Yes, but you see I wrote my MA thesis on beavers
and they really don't turn me on, so I'm afraid...
It's only an example, It can be anything else,
even water fleas!
Come on, Bug!
Mr., Mr. Tytus?
Bug!
Plonk!
Son, it's the best wedding I've ever seen!
It's so beautiful here.
You think so?
You'll be more masculine with a broken one.
If women saw it that way, we would all have broken noses
- from the day we were born, Daddy. - Unfortunately, gentlemen, if females
find a certain feature attractive, males try to expose it to the extreme.
Even at the expense of their own safety and comfort!
Take a peacock, for example, Daddy.
You think it's comfortable to run around with such a large tail?
It's dangerous! It reduces the peacock's proficiency,
and exposes it to the predators. But it has to drag it.
Has to! Females will only copulate with a male holding the longest tail!
And they eagerly and en masse fuck with him.
So those with shorter tails...
can jerk off at best.
Which is rather hard in the case of a peacock.
Poor things.
What a stupid females.
- Is it the same with women? - Of course, gentlemen,
what kind of engines do you have in your cars?
Well?
I don't have a car.
Two and a half liters with turbo charge.
Three liters, V 6, 24 valves, dual cam and I added a magnetizer.
I've got 1,6.
But metallic.
And what do you need it for? There's a speed limit of fifty in the city.
This is "Radio Zet".
We are waking you up to great music. Start a new day with lots
of fresh energy and a smile.
Maybe there is something to it?
I remember once,
it was a long time ago,
in seventy-six or wait... yes, in seventy-six...
We were shooting a film with our star, Olbrychski. I work in films,
so you know, a lot of folk came to see,
and there was this beautiful, beautiful girl among them.
Olbrychski started talking to her but nothing happened.
Suddenly I noticed she was looking at me.
And I was all dressed up so god, like your peacocks!
Jeans, that my mate brought me from Britain, military jacket,
- top-notch, I'm telling you. - And where was that?
Around Wroclaw, in Brzeg Dolny or something like this.
I'm from Brzeg!
So you know best what a great places for shooting.
And? And?
And I started talking to her, and she...
Nice jeans...
It was the most beautiful girl I have ever made love to.
I wanted to go back there many times
but it kind of never happen.
You wouldn't recognize her now.
I would, I would!
She had a birthmark on her neck.
Here, she had it here...
Mummy, why Daddy never comes to visit?
He doesn't love me?
Mother never wanted to tell me anything.
I've learned from my uncle!
It was before her A-level exams, nineteen years old,
when they arrived. The filmmakers!
She went there, just to take a look.
Kornel!
You've found another brother!
- The heart couldn't take it! - What heart?!
My lens!
My contact lens flowed out!
- You wear contact lenses? - Yeah, yeah...
And you have the nerve to laugh at me for wearing glasses?!
Stop this bullshit, better help me find it.
Do you know how many fucking hang-ups it gave me, you twat?!
- I wear lenses too... - See? My blood.
Did I beat him up too?
Kornel, did father get pounding?
Do you know he wears contact lenses?
Sure I know, so do I.
Sight defects are inborn, but to whack someone because of this?
Nobody touched him, although...
Picture this:
as it turned out a second ago, Mr. Waiter is our brother!
That's wonderful,
could you sir, brother, fill up the glasses for me and my friend?
- But of course. - This is so screwed up! What the fuck!
And you shut up! I'm not finished with you!
- But I didn't know... - Don't you open your mouth, you fucking
moron, or I'll kick you so hard, your balls will retract to zero!
And with those tiny ones you'll be fucking only once in a blue moon!
Basically, the size of testicles does not determine the frequency
of copulation but the number of rivals the male has to compete with.
What?
I'm just saying that the bigger the testicles of a male,
the more polygamous the females are.
Chimpanzees for instance have enormous testicles, big gorillas have small ones.
Only because gorilla females are faithful, and chimpanzees whore around.
You are fucking talking about me?!
To me?!
I'm not talking about anyone specifically...
OK! Let's make a test!
Who's got the biggest balls around here?!
You've chicken out?
Who'll square up with me?
Who'll pick up the gauntlet and take off his pants?!
Do you have any balls at all?!
Let it go, son. You've heard it yourself,
the size of testicles doesn't determine anything.
Are you really Greek?
My father fled to Poland at the end of the forties.
He was a communist, you know.
What was he like?
I don't know.
He left me in an orphanage and cleared out to build a better world.
Have you ever been to Greece?
I lived there for two years, after the martial law in Poland ended,
but the weather was too hot.
And they don't have dill pickles there.
Am I Greek too?
Sure you are!
We've got Socrates, Homer, Phidias,
What the fuck do we need big balls for?
It's so hard to be a man, Daddy...
You're telling this to me, son?
Three months later.
Well, where is the groom?
- Not in the Rolls-Royce? - No! He's not there!
Maybe he got scared?
Oh, thank God!
- Alone? Where's Tytus? - Not in the Rolls-Royce?
Son, you are all going to be the death of me!
I've read in "Cosmopolitan" yesterday that ten percent of children have
different biological fathers than the ones who raise them.
What are you imputing?
I'm not imputing anything, I only thought that if Mr. Tytus
reads "Cosmopolitan" as well, he might have gotten scared.
Mr. Tretyn! Don't you hit back for your own failures, OK?
- What failures? - We all know what failures!
Darling, have dinner without me, I've still got some work to do.
- He's not picking up. - What?
- Answering machine. - Keep calling.
Unfortunately, gentlemen, the naked truth is merciless,
a husband is valuable only when he's monogamous and does the dishes.
But why does the woman should accept such genes?
What are you burbling about?
I'm only saying Mr. Tretyn's remarks are not totally devoid of meaning.
We all know women can start an affair even when they seem
perfectly happy in marriage. - Mr. Bug! Be careful not to go too far!
Just because you've got biggest balls doesn't mean you can insult my family!
I'm not insulting anyone. I'm just stating the obvious.
- I left him a message. - Shit, he won't show up.
The article also said that seventy per cent of women married more
than five years have extramarital sex,
and yet they all value monogamy.
Seventy per cent?
All screwed up.
God, what to do then? How to defend ourselves?
Copulate. Copulate constantly!
But they will always find an opportunity on the side.
Copulate all the more.
- Morning! - Morning, morning.
One has to also go to work.
Exactly. That's when you have to protect yourself.
A man produces large amounts of special sperm which doesn't fertilize
but clogs the way to block the sperm of a potential rival.
Isn't there anything easier?
There are certain types of dragonfly males with penises build in such a way,
they can even remove the sperm of their predecessors from the inside.
Anything even easier?
- Excuse me, do you have a watch? - Yes.
I plan to. I plan to have a watch.
- Why are you so late, son? - My fault!
- I forgot the wedding rings, Mr. Stavros! - Run!
It's time!
Love is the most important thing, son. Everything is easy with love.
Since I'm back together with your mother, I see it all quite differently!
But I'm a bit scared. That it's like and end, no more, barred for ever...
Who told you about the end?
When you have a wife, son, other babes just fall in your hands.
Dear brothers and sisters.
we have gathered here on this beautiful day...
to make the holy and, inseparable union of marriage
between the beloved children of God.
Tytus
and Patrycja.
St. Paul encouraged men to have love full of devotion and sacrifice.
as the love of Jesus who gave himself
away for the sake of the Church.
Wives should love their husbands.
like Christ loves us all.
for through the sacrament of marriage
they are enriched with His love.
Christ becomes present in the life of the newlyweds in a new and lifelong way.
He becomes their faithful life companion,
ready to offer a hand,
ready to enrich their cooling love
with His unchanging affection.
Through the sacrament of love
a man and a woman share mystical unity,
which happens between Christ, the Groom
and the Church. His Bride.
This unity is so tight,
the Church forms the Mystical Flesh of Christ.
The married couple also
forms one flesh.
As the Book of Genesis states:
"Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother.
and hold fast to his wife.
and they shall become one flesh."
Amen.
Cast
Print out: Laser Film Text (Warsaw)